Whom do you want marry?
by I'm Nova
Summary: What if Hikaru answered otherwise to a certain question in the manga? You know, THE question. But, hey, I haven't read the manga, so somewhat can be different in my story!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine. They are Clamp's. But you already know it, don't you?

N/A 1: Based on manga and what would have happened if the answer to a certain question had been different. But…hey…I have not read the manga. I only know what happen in it from the web. So, if is different from what I imagined, don't flame me, please! Really, is a mix anime-manga, I think. I'm cruel with L-kun, I know…but after all I'm Nova, am I not?

N/A 2:I'm Italian, so English is not my mother language…and my translator doesn't work so well (it seems drunk) so forgive me if my grammar is horrible and certain phrases don't make sense, ok? Finally…the story!!!

Whom do you want marry?

Lantis was in love. He had tried to deny it, also to himself, but it was useless. After the death of his brother he had told himself that if this was the love… he didn't want to fall in love. He knew the loneliness, and it didn't frighten him. Alone… who more than him? He had always been a man of few words and many facts, and this little expansiveness had never given him many friends. If he had one of them, he was Eagle. He had to be enough for him. But then he had seen Hikaru… he still remembered the first time. He had arrived to the castle, bringing in his arms that child that he had saved, and she had gone toward him. His cloak was dyed some blood of the monster that he had killed… and she was worried. For him. For one that she didn't know even. He had been cold, as always. But this had not discouraged her, neither made distant. When she had realized that he was indeed wounded, to the hand, she had asked to Fuu to deal herself of this. But there was Primera… Yet since that first time Hikaru had impressed him. For how much distant, icy he had been, that her to worry herself for the others, her smile had opened a wound in his heart. A wound that Primera could not recover…

He was not changed. Always cold, always of few words. Also with her. Above all with her. She didn't have to imagine… Yet, she was the only one that succeeded in making him smile, sometimes. She was the only one that succeeded in bringing some heat in his look. Had she realized? had she realized the fire that she had hung inside of him, the love, the desire that burned him? In silence, he had loved her. But he didn't now make it more. If she had succeeded in forcing him to speak, simply being herself, smiling to him, how much strong could it be what he felt? He believed to know it, but not even he perhaps imagined it completely. They were met to the fountain. Again. Once, Lantis had already been there, next to speak… but instead he had acted. Giving her amulet of his mother. He had seen the amazed look in her eyes when he had asked her as people declared own love on the Earth. He had revolved the matter. He looked for the words to say. It had always been difficult, for him, to find the words. How to express the storm that he had in heart? She had explained him about marriage. "Do you want to marry me? " Few, simple words. Lantis had been on the point to tell them. But then…

"Whom do you want marry? " This he had said, instead. Hikaru had blushed. After all, what right did he have to want to know it, Lantis said to himself? Until he didn't declare… But then Hikaru had spoken. She had always been open. And naïve, Hikaru. Naïve. A word, an alone. "Eagle." Possible that ached so much? He had not spoken, Lantis. He had not reacted. He knew what was to know. He would have liked to leave, but he had not been able. He was not sure that the legs would have supported him. So he had remained there. And Hikaru had continued… "It can seem strange, I know it, because we have been hostile… but we have never been it really. I was definite to stop him, this yes. Does he resemble me, don't you believe? We have gone out both of the room of the crown, I want to say. This doesn't have anything to do with it, however. Or better, despite he has that terrible will, he is always… cheerful. Kind. He warms my heart. He is a sun… " At this point she interrupted herself, blushing again. She is right, Lantis had thought. Eagle is a sun. He has even the gilded eyes. And between the sun and the shade… what could choose the knight of the fire? Lantis continued keeping silent. Hikaru seemed confused, now. "I… I don't know why I am telling you everything this." He could not continue keeping silent anymore. He had forced his voice to be cold and expressionless as always. She didn't have to know how much she had pierced through him. She didn't even have to imagine it. Never. "It can be said that I have asked you it, do you remember? " Still the silence among them. Then, Hikaru. "Lantis… " Her voice interrogative, undecided. "Yes? " He, calm as always. Although inside he felt like howling. "Eagle is your friend…" He had nodded. So it was, even if… "I… I was asking me… in short, do you know if he loves me?" She had blushed even more this time. "He is always… dear with me, do you see, but I… I am not sure... " What was waited that he responded? He had been sincere at the end. "We… we have not expressly spoken of it… " And it was true. Even to Eagle he had spoken of her. Luckily. "But I believe that he loves you." For this he had kept silent. Among the other things. And then, who could avoid to love her? But he had not told this. It would have meant to reveal too much himself. "But would not he be confided with you? " "Perhaps… and perhaps no." She had looked at him, and then… "You could not try to discover it? ".

Please rewiew, flame, tell me "change job", give me a suggestion in order to get better!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Lantis is not mine, luckily for him…and much less other characters. They are Clamp's.

To Viscountess Kiera: My lady, your name is so nice! Thanks for your kind review, you encouraged me a lot. I'll try to do my best, for you and for anyone who liked this story (if anyone other there is, review it, guys!). Really, pooor Lantis…but I'm Nova, remember?

Now…story!

"As? " Lantis said. "Well… I love him…″ He already knew it, therefore why it kept on tearing to pieces his heart in that way? "… and certain times I think that he also loves me… but I am afraid to be wrong. Could he be so… so affectionate only because it is his nature, do you understand?" "Why you don't ask it him yourself?" "It is so that they do in Sephiro? Me… well, I believe not to have this courage. If he had to tell me no… you cannot understand it." "Probably no" This he had said. It was this that she thought. You cannot understand it… When the heart bursted him for that love not corresponded. "If it is this that you want, I believe to be able to investigate Eagle's true feelings… ″ he heard himself say. "Thanks! " She had smiled at him, and he… he had felt the heart break itself in him, for her sweetness. "If he loves me, come to reassure me… but if he doesn't love me, neither he thinks about being able to love me, don't say anything. Only, don't speak." The perspective frightened her… Lantis saw the tears in her eyes. "Don't cry" he had told her "you don't have to be afraid… " She had dried her eyes. "I am a fool" she had said. "No" he had said, and he had gotten up. He was strong, now. I won't leave that you cry, Hikaru. It didn't care how much he could suffer of it…he would have talked to Eagle. He would have made her happy. He owed.

Eagle had welcomed him with a smile. "As it goes, Lantis? " He had not responded. "Can we speak? " The other one had nodded. "Certain. About what? "Lantis was serious… but he was always so. ″About Hikaru." How much it was cost him to say that name. Eagle had cast him an inquiring glance. Then he had said: "And have you declared then? ". Why he had to realize it? But it was obvious, Eagle knew him too well. "It was not about _me_ and Hikaru that I wanted to speak" he had specified "but about_ you_". "I don't understand. Be quiet, friend, I have not tried stole her to you." Even if I would have liked, thought the man of Autozam. "I have not said this." Even if you have done it, Lantis was said. "And then? " "Then I have to know if you love her." Better going astute to the point. "Why? Lantis, sincerely is not you the type that can pretend confidences. Even if we are friends. Have you perhaps told me that you were in love? Yet not to try to deny it." "It doesn't matter whom I love" had repeated the raven-haired "but whom you love." This time, Eagle's eyes sparkled. "It is all right, I also love her, and with this? " His tone was of challenge. "Do you speak seriously, Eagle? " Lantis had the usual severe tone. "Yes" Eagle was furious for that torn confidence. What did he want Lantis at the end? "You are lucky."

Eagle had stopped understanding. "What do you have said? " "That you are lucky. Because, you see, it doesn't matter that I love her, or how much. What matters is that she loves you." He had told it. Eagle had looked at him. Incredulous. "You think it or… " "She is confided. And she has asked me to discover if you loved her, or you would ever have been able to love her." "Me…″ He didn't know what say, Eagle, suddenly. He had always thought that Hikaru loved Lantis. He had tried to accept it. He had almost succeeded. And now… Lantis had interrupted him. "Therefore, you see, everything is all right. If you love her…″ He had succeeded in telling those words. In the usual calm tone. One day he would also have succeeded in stopping bleeding, inside. Perhaps. "All right?" Eagle had repeated. Eagle that had guessed, with the same sensibility of the perfect tools of the FTO. "You love her, she loves you… this doesn't perhaps mean that she will be happy? Is there perhaps anything else other who matters? " His voice was broken. He had not succeeded in continuing. "You are not deceiving me, true, Lantis?″ "Why do you think that I would do it? " Eagle had looked at his eyes. That eyes that so often were the only part of Lantis to give some sign on what he felt. He had read the suffering… a suffering that he knew for having felt it, but so deep as he had never imagined that it could be. Did this mean that he loved Hikaru less than his friend? Probably yes. But it was a thing that Lantis didn't have to know. "No, you are not deceiving me… " Eagle had shaken the head. "Don't worry, my friend. Hikaru_ will be_ happy. With me…″ He was interrupted. Useless to torment still him. "I hope that it will be true. For you." It was his usual tone, but Eagle had been afraid. "I won't allow that Hikaru suffers, it is clear? You hurt her and… " Lantis had left the half sentence. And he had gone. No, she won't suffer, he had repeated to himself. Only me. Only me… He would have had to bring her good news, he was said. But he needed some time. He had to be able to rejoice with her, and for her… but he was not able now. He needed some loneliness… That loneliness that he had dreamt to break. That would not have abandoned him more.

N/A: There are phrases who don't make sense, I know…but my problem is that ideas came me in the night, when my mind is a little dazed, and this don't help me. If I say I 'll write it the day after I know I 'll never do, so I write and this is the result. Add the translations problems…I hope you understand.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: characters are not mine, and this is all luck for them! They are owned by the amazing Clamp. I just love to torture them (insert evil chuckle).

A.N. : I know that I didn't update way too long. You all thought I was dead, didn't you? Well, I wasn't. But not receiving flames either, let alone reviews, I just thought nobody was interested in this, so I let it agonize on my pc. If you want the next chapter, just let me an hint, ok? There is a nice button down there.  And thanks very much to Tiger-chan who kept me going. I would have updated as soon as I received your review, but a nasty virus sent ruined my pc for sometime.

After sometimes, when he had succeeded in having his self-control back, in suffocating the torment that was in his heart, he had gone looking for her. Lantis had asked Umi where she could be, and the other had answered that probably Hikaru was in her room. He had slowly set out. Approaching her room, he had heard a noise of footsteps originate from the inside. She was uneasy. She didn't have reason to be. In front of the door he had remained still an instant, then he had knocked. "Enter". When she had seen him enter she had stopped her pacing. She was in the centre of the room and she was looking at him as if her life depended on him. "I have talked to Eagle" he had said, simply. "And….?" He had smiled at her. Imposing himself to hide what tormented him. "He loves you, Hikaru." Her eyes had shone with happiness. She had run towards him and she had jumped to his neck, embracing him. "Thanks! " She had immediately left him go. "But are you sure? indeed sure?" She had asked then, still a spark of doubt in her look. "I am sure that he will make you happy" he had replied. Hikaru had smiled at him, a glowing smile, and she had run away. She is going to look for him, Lantis said to himself. It is what I would do. He had gone out of the empty room, slowly.

She is happy, he had thought. It is all I can want. Why is it so terrible, then? He considered that fleeting, enthusiastic embrace. She had not realized to have torn him apart inside. I cannot love her, he said to himself. I can't. She loves Eagle. Only to think it was an unbearable pain, but he had to repeat it to himself, until when he had not succeeded in giving her up. To think those words startled him . To give her up… Never. He would always love her… and he would never have her, this was blatant. But he couldn't help but love her. He could prevent this as he could stop his heart's beat. The only solution for him, by now, was to wait that it broke. He wondered how much it would have taken. Then… Hikaru is my friend. She would be saddened by my death. She doesn't have to be sad… It didn't remain him but to suffer. Day for day. Hiding the wounds. To keep silent, to hide it and to hide himself… to mantle everything under the veil of the impassibility. Wasn't it what he had always done? Although it became every day more difficult, he had succeeded. The days flowed, the mutual love of the two sweethearts bloomed, and nobody imagined what he felt. Above all not Hikaru. Anybody except Eagle, he knew this. Eagle that one day had come looking for him…

Seeing the silver-haired, Lantis had nodded. And he had looked around, searching for Hikaru. By now these two were inseparable. But she wasn't there. Eagle had intercepted his look. "No, she is not here. Lantis… can I speak to you? " Lantis nodded. He was half relieved and half disappointed from that absence. If only he had been able to see her… Eagle had remained silent a moment, as if he didn't know how to start, then he had decided to be blunt. Even if it meant to be cruel. "Hikaru and I have decided to get married." Lantis had always known that it would end up this way. Nevertheless, unreasonably it was an hard hit all the same. He forced himself to answer: "Congratulations." It was what he had to say. "Thanks" Eagle had mechanically answered, then… "My friend, there is another thing." "Yes? " "Well… Hikaru seems to take for granted that you will be my best man at the wedding. You are my best friend, and then you have given me to her… reassuring her on my feelings. So she says." ′Is this what I have done?′ wondered Lantis. Yes, this is. Eagle kept on speaking, hurriedly. "I… I have said that I would have asked you. Therefore I am here. However, well, if you don't feel up to it… I understand you. We can find an excuse…" "There is no need. We don't want to disappoint Hikaru, do we? I will be your best man… if not for anything else, because I want to see her with the wedding gown." Eagle had nodded, feeling the clouds dissipate. "You will see, the girls are preparing something amazing for her. I am curious too, but Hikaru says that it is a very bad omen for the couple if the husband-to-be to see the gown before the wedding…". Eagle was gone, relieved. Smiling. Lantis had stood still. I have to be there, he said to himself. I have to see her happy. Happy as I would never have been able to make her… It would have been a hard test, he knew it. But he was able - he needed - to get through it. Now however he was alone. He had left the sorrow to get the better of him. I have lost you, Hikaru… lost. He realized suddenly that until then he lived in the hope - secret, unavowed even to himself - that her feelings could change. And instead… he had not succeeded anymore. He had cried. In silence. She didn't love him. She would never have loved him. Eagle was all she desired. And he… he didn't succeed in stopping dreaming of her. Approaching her every now and then, quiet, begging for a smile. That she always offered him. But then her eyes came back to Eagle. Why was it so wrong what he felt?


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: As always, characters aren't mine. They are Clamp's. I only find my pleasure torturing them. I'm Nova, after all.

A.N. : Everyone, I'm sorry I update always so slowly, but I update sooner or later, do you see?

To Silent whisperer O7: Thanks for your nice review. I apologize for making you cry. I support the Hikaru-Lantis pairing too, usually, but this plot asked me to have her in love with Eagle. I hope your eyes will find easier to read this chapter. I never really know where to put spaces.

At the end, the great day had arrived. The marriage… Lantis was Eagle's best man. Beside Eagle… who had taken away from him the only person whom he had ever loved, whom he would have ever been able to love. His expression didn't reveal anything of all this.

When Hikaru had made her entry, everyone turned to look at her. She was wonderful. Lantis felt a sharp pain to his heart. Since the first time that he had seen her, she had never looked so stunning. Neither so happy. The joy that illuminated her was so perfect that seemed able to radiate the whole church. And out of the whole room, the guests, Clef ready to celebrate the ceremony, she didn't have eyes than for a person. Eagle.

Eagle who smiled, who waited for her with gilded sparkling eyes. So it had to be. But it was such a torture… Yet Lantis didn't succeed in taking his eyes off of her. ′Look how much she is happy′ he repeated to himself. She is happy. Nothing else matters. But at the end of the ceremony, when the newlyweds kissed, he had believed that his heart had broken itself. Umi and Fuu cried, out of emotion. He had been what people expected him to be. Silent, still. Cold. For an instant he had thought that that torment was about to end. But there was still the party…

At that moment even he had to appear happy. He had hidden his pain, suffocating it, and made his wishes to the newlyweds. Smiling. Hikaru had thanked him. "If it had not been for you, perhaps I would still be keeping silent." And she had shortly laughed. It was a strange thing to tell to a guy as Lantis. But true.

'I cannot do anything else than to keep silent, instead. Forever.' This he thought. But he had answered only: "I'm not the one to thank."

Later, during the party, she had approached him smiling. A smile that had lacerated his soul. I love you, he thought. And it is not fair. "Even a party as this doesn't succeed in loosening your tongue, Lantis? " she laughed.

He was the only one silent, Hikaru was right. "The fact is that I never find a lot to say. No, you are right, I had forgotten a thing… I hope that you are happy as today. Every day of your life." He was sincere, and finally in his voice there was warmth… perhaps also too much.

She seemed a little surprised. But then… "Oh, there is no doubt, I will be. With Eagle by my side…″ She had looked at her husband. In love.

Another sharp pain to the heart for Lantis. Disguised by a calm sentence. "I am sure of it." She had departed. She had returned to Eagle. He had observed her in silence.

After sometimes the dances started. Opened by the newlyweds, obviously. Hikaru in Eagle's arms… and by how she looked at him it was evident that it was that her place. She would not have left it anymore, Lantis thought. A tormenting thought… Instead, at least for that party, while the music continued, Hikaru had danced with everybody. With Clef and with Lafarga, with Ascot and with Felio. While Eagle made Umi and Fuu, Caldina and Presea whirl. And then…

"I have had a dance from all of my friends" she had said, approaching him "except you." She had smiled at him. "The next dance is ours, Lantis. I expected that you came to ask me before, but as always I have to be the one to speak. Well, not really always…″

She had read the surprise in his eyes. "Don't worry. Eagle won't be jealous. And how could he? " He could, even if you don't understand it… and you will ever have to understand it. But it was an opportunity that he would not allow to pass for nothing in the world.

The music restarted and he got up. He held her in his arms… A single time in his life. It was what he would have. He would have liked to hug her tight, but he was afraid. Afraid that she could notice the furious pulsation of his heart. He could not betray himself now… She had solicited that dance because she considered him a friend. Her and Eagle's. He could not allow that she understood as the love was persecuting him in that few minutes, or how much hopelessly he desired to kiss her. It would have meant to ruin everything. He was afraid even of his own glance. Afraid that she read in the bottom of his amethyst eyes the whole love and the torment which passed through him. To have self-control at that time was more difficult that ever. But necessary. Suddenly, the music ended. And for a second, only a second, Lantis had not succeeded in letting her go. He had not been able. Then he had seen Eagle draw near. Only then he had released her, feeling like a traitor. "Thanks for the dance." He had been almost formal.

This had made Hikaru laugh. "Thanks to you. You are really good at this, do you know? If only you weren't so damn serious…"

"He would not be Lantis, then" Eagle intervened.

"You are right" Lantis agreed, leaving with a last smile. A smile that had not succeeded in reaching his eyes. He had left Hikaru to the man whom she loved. She had not even realized that he was not there anymore. There was Eagle, and so much was enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, but to the CLAMP…and if I'm not careful I'll end up belonging to them too

Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me, but to the CLAMP…and if I'm not careful I'll end up belonging to them too!!

A.N. I tried to stave off my impulses the longer I could, I tried changing this story's end, I really did…but alas, I'm Nova and when I'm stressed because of my thesis I am Nova even more! I had to hurt the characters or my teacher, and they can't defend themselves…Be ready for a lot of OOCness… and you could want to have some tissues at handy. As always, that's unbetaed, forgive my errors if you can.

Lantis was gone. Again. Sephiro is not a good place for who is forced to deny what h holds in his heart and to suffocate it. It can even become a dangerous place. The daily pain and the unsaid longing can take strange forms, in that moor… The magic swordsman knew that very well. Therefore he began to look for a place where his obsessions could torment only him. His had been a true flight. The second…

If the first time he ran away from the planet not being able to fight both for and against Zagato, now he was fleeing from himself. But how could he escape the memoirs? His first trip, when he still believed that that of his brother was the worse suffering. A forbidden love, that's true… but Emeraude had loved Zagato. With all herself. A wandering, his, which had led him to Eagle… that had made them become friends. He would not have denied this. They had been friends. Lantis was sure that Eagle still considered him as such. And he…?

He could not blame Eagle for being preferred. How could he hope that Hikaru… Hikaru… it was natural that she remained dazzled from Eagle. He had always been a shade… a silent shade with too many sad memoirs on his shoulders.

She did not realize that she really was, according to her name, the only person able to send a ray of joy through his soul. He had tried to tear her from his heart, in this second flight. If he went far enough, if he let enough time go by, sooner or later he would have forgotten her. Yet years passed by, _years_, and he still kept on dreaming about her, on remembering every sentence, every smile, every look. He kept on telling himself that his heart had to let her go, that his soul had to eventually relinquish that hopeless feeling.

Until one day he had admitted the truth: it didn't matter how many times he affirmed the contrary, he didn't want to forget. He couldn't live without those memoirs, as painful as they were. He couldn't have her, he would never have been able to have her, he knew this. Since Hikaru had revealed to him the name of the man whom she loved, he had kept on repeating to himself that she was lost to him. Two friends more different of him and Eagle couldn't exist, and if she had chosen one of them… But Lantis' soul remained tied to her, beyond time, beyond space, obstinately. And just as obstinately he stayed away from her. It was the simplest way not to risk to upset her. Until one day…

"He is coming back" Eagle told his wife, smiling " Clef told me that".

"Who is coming back, dear? " Hikaru had asked, distracted by her too vivacious first-born.

"The lost sheep of our group, and who else? The lonely wanderer…" the golden-eyed man answered.

He from Autozam, she from the mystical world… they met half way, in Sephiro, and there they stopped. Impossible to separate Hikaru from Umi and Fuu. And the husbands of the two others had been born on the planet-that-had-a-pillar.

"Lantis comes back home! " Hikaru hastily turned toward his husband, the long red braid moving as the tail of a lioness. Her eyes sparkled with joy. Hikaru was happy. She missed that silent friend. And she was sure that Eagle also missed him even if, for some reason, her husband had never spoken a lot about him.

"Who is Lantis, mom? " asked her little curious second-born.

"The bogy man" Eagle joked1.

This closed the child's mouth, but Hikaru laughed and specified: "He can look like it… but don't worry, Fuu".

Fuu, obviously: which other name could she give her? She hoped that the child became as calm and polite, at least the house would have some peace. But a Umi would come. Surely.

"Lantis is simply a dad's friend… and mine. Don't let him frighten you - even if at first it can seem difficult, I admit- and you will discover that he is as kind as me. Do you know how I have met him? We were in these terrible days when a Pillar didn't exist, but people still waited for it, and Sephiro was dying. I told you about it, do you remember? Well, the first time that I've seen him, Lantis had a child in his arms. He had saved her from the monsters who wandered in Sephiro and he had brought her to safety in the castle. Therefore, when you will know him, don't let him intimidate you, even if he will be silent and he will look you in a terrible way. He has done the same with me, but we have become friends."

"But if you are friends, why I have never seen him? " the first-born intervened.

It had been his father to answer him: "Lantis is grown in Sephiro… it looks like then he has decided he had enough of the planet. In fact it is in Autozam that I have met him. And only the Creator knows where he has been since the last time that I have seen him. It seems that he has an explorer's psyche. " A small, kind, necessary lie.

He came back to Sephiro. Lantis went home …and he knew he shouldn't. He knew that nothing good could come from this. Yet one day he woke up, tears in his eyes, after having dreamt about her for the umpteenth time, and he realized he couldn't stay far from her anymore. He believed to have gotten used to the painful void who had taken the place of his heart, after so long. Instead, suddenly, his inexhaustible need of her had struck him with physical cruelty. It was as if every energy that he employed in restraining, suffocating and denying his feelings, had abandoned him. The only thing that stayed was a torturing yearning for her.

He had to see her again, to lose himself again in those bright flame-tinted eyes, to see her smile… Her smile had always been the only thing that could warm him inside, piercing that cold armour that he had built around his heart. He repeated to himself that he was doing a mistake, a terrible mistake… but he couldn't live without her. Not anymore. Hikaru…

He knew that to meet her again would have been torment. He knew that to find her again beside Eagle would have spread salt on wounds that had never stopped bleeding, not a day in years. But he could not live without her anymore. And he came back.

The day of his arrival, there was Clef waiting for him. "They all would have liked to be here " he had said "but in the end they delegated me. The children's needs take so much time, and then there are so many things to do… and it looks like I am the man of the welcomes. At least according to the girls. So, Lantis, welcome home! "

He had smiled at him, and Lantis had not been able to do anything but smile back. "The children? How many are there? "

"By now I am about to lose count… Fuu has three, Umi will reach her in a few months, Hikaru now is still at two …and Caldina… I have really stopped counting hers." He Laughed.

"Lafarga did well! " Lantis said. But he thought: Hikaru has two… Hikaru and Eagle have two children…He asked to himself who they looked alike. If they had inherited her temperament. He didn't dare to speak about it. He walked beside Clef, silently.

"You are not changed" Clef added after sometime, with another smile.

"No."

"It is a relief, do you know? You have been far for a long time, and we all were a little afraid that someone we didn't know came back." As if they knew really him, _before_.

"Any change could only be for the better, is it not so? " asked Lantis.

"Don't say nonsense" replied the other "you will never win a prize for your eloquence, but we like you. All of us. It was more probable that you changed in worse than for the better. But I would have had to know that you would have stayed yourself. The first time it was the same way. And we were indeed afraid then".

The first time… in Autozam. "I don't change easily " he admitted. In fact I still love her…

He had returned to the castle. Fuu was there to welcome him. Obviously, having married the prince Felio…She was the perfect lady of the house. Always polite and sweet, as in the past. Lantis thanked her. As soon as he remained alone, his footsteps had unconsciously brought him to the indoor garden. He stayed still a moment, looking around. All was the same as then… the fountain murmured softly. The memoirs invaded him. Sweet and painful at once…

They hounded him for years, in the most different places, and now here, _here,_ they were so strong, that turning his eyes it seemed impossible don't to meet Hikaru's. He almost thought to have seen her. He was silent, however, and that ghost faded away after a few seconds. Eventually, shaking his head, he went to take a seat on the edge of the fountain. The sun made the water sparkle, a birdie came to drink. It looked at him. It shook its blue feathers and it flew on his shoulder. Another came soon to keep him company. Just as so long ago… Lantis smiled. A sad smile.

Once there was Hikaru, sitting close to him on that fountain. She also seemed so in pain… but when he had convinced a birdie like that to perch itself on her shoulder, she lighted up. In so many things, in spite of her almost becoming pillar of the planet, she was so childish… but after all she was a child, then. So adorable… His heart had restarted to hurt. I need you, Hikaru, he had silently invoked. And suddenly, lifting his eyes, he had seen her. She was on the doorway, and she looked at him with sweets, happy flame-tinted eyes. Lantis kept silent and still. She will disappear again now, he thought. She is not anything else than the umpteenth ghost… Yet, she seemed taller than he remembered her. Her figure, a little more fleshy. She had smiled at him… An open smile that hurt him in the core of his heart and warmed him whole as every time.

"Lantis!″ Hikaru exclaimed. He had quickly blinked. She was… true. She ran to hug him. And for an instant, the desire had been so terrible that it risked to overwhelm him. But then she had let him go.

″I knew that I would have found you here." She suited herself close to him on the edge of the fountain. So near… after all that time. He had kept on staying silent. He didn't trust himself.

Hikaru had looked at his eyes. She said: "I missed you". An admission that had broken Lantis' heart.

"I missed you, also." Every single minute. But he could not confess this. He forced himself to add: "All of you."

"Why didn't you come back before, then? " she reproached him. "I had almost lost the hope to see you again, do you know? When Eagle told me that you would come back, it has been such a beautiful surprise! "

Eagle… of course. He almost forgot him. "You know, the days flow and… there is always another place in front of you." Another place in which to run away.

"Eagle was right" she laughed "you have indeed an explorer's psyche. "

"Did Eagle say so?" Thanks my friend. Thank you for covering up my flight.

"Yes. By the way, he also will want to see you again. You have to come see us. You have to meet our children. They know that you have travelled so much, and cannot wait to hear you narrate…″ she stopped. She had laughed. "But the fact is that they don't know you, I fear." Lantis smiled. Her laughter still had the power to make him well. To appease every torment of his.

"You will come, right? " She put a hand on his.

His heart trembled. "I will come."

"Better that I go back home, now. See you soon! "

He had nodded, and she had gone. He continued to stare at the door she was gone from. How could I live without you, my love? Yet what he felt now was not less terribly wrong than the day of his departure. More, rather. He not only loved a woman that didn't reciprocate him, that would never be able to reciprocate him. Hikaru had built a family of herself, she had children. Two. From the man she loved.

Yet she missed him. He heard the sincerity in her voice when she told it. Sure, he was the only one of her friends not to be beside her… Friend. Could he get used to be only this? Could he be satisfied with this? Nothing else would have been granted to him. Ever. Either he restrained himself to welcome what was offered, with gratitude, or he would have done better to leave again. But he couldn't do this. He couldn't give her up again. He wouldn't leave Sephiro anymore. He wouldn't leave her anymore.

He would be what she wanted him to be. Even if every time she looked at him he quivered. Even if every time she grazed him he was again torn by his longing. He would keep silent. He would hide everything. Until when only the happiness to see her, to be to her side would linger, in a way or another, and his whole pain would thaw and fade away as snow to the fire she was. He continued to delude himself, he knew it. As when he deluded himself that running away he'd forget her. Yet he couldn't do anything else. He couldn't admit. He couldn't confess. Or she would have been the one to drive him away. To hate him, perhaps. He shivered.

He promised to go see her, yet he didn't have the nerve. A few days passed, then she returned. And she almost drag him with herself. Eagle welcomed him smiling. Lantis felt uneasy. But he forced himself to forget all the pain Eagle had caused him - it wasn't his fault- and to remember only the old friendship. He had tried to feel like in Autozam. To be as then.

But at that time Hikaru wasn't there… Now she did and every time he looked at her, Lantis was again still, silent for a moment. Lost in her. Even in the middle of a sentence. For a fraction of second, not more. It could look like he searched for the correct word. At least, he hoped they believed it. To love her, to be beside her, to feel his heart pound painfully against his ribs, as if it wanted to fly to her, and to be friendly, to be natural, was so difficult. It could be so bitter. Yet to see her again, to hear again her laughter, was such a relief.

The children were introduced to him. They had her head of hair. And the golden eyes of their father.

"I will become an explorer too, someday" had solemnly announced Eagle junior. And he sat close to him, waiting for stories… and suggestions. I hope only that you never have to run away, child, Lantis thought.

The little Fuu seemed a bit intimidated. But then he smiled at her. And she tried to jump to his neck. She was affectionate as her mother. It was everything so perfect… the two children and their parents, their parents _in love with each other_, that Lantis' heart broke. What was he doing there? Yet he couldn't live without Hikaru. And he would come back, he knew it. Looking for her…

He spent sometime that way. He renewed the old friendships. And every now and then he stopped by Eagle. A look of her, a smile. He didn't ask more. Hikaru was always so affectionate with him. Lantis loved her silently. At times it was an unbearable torment. When she touched him, the longing tormented him so intensely … and when instead a word, a look, a gesture showed how she was still in love with her husband, exactly as the day of her marriage, it was the jealousy which tortured him.

A senseless jealousy, he said to himself over and over, he knew well as things were …but it was not for this less intense. And how many, many times she made him go from a torment to the other, without leaving him a moment to breath. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't realize, simply. It was up to him to make sure she didn't realize it. Ever.

He believed he succeeded in hiding from everybody the pain that he held in his heart. He was silent, but he had always been. He cried, sometime, when he couldn't bear anymore the situation he drove himself in. But always when he was alone. And always silently. He had never left that a single word, a single sigh escaped him, about the love that flowed in his veins as lave, as poison, and that still kept him alive. As torturing as it was. But a day…

Eagle came to look for him. Lantis very far from figuring what he wanted. He smiled at his friend. But Eagle looked around, making sure they were alone, and when he had spoken his voice was sad. "Lantis… "

"What's wrong?" had asked the raven-haired, feeling the other's tone of voice.

"I hoped to be wrong. I hoped that you came back because you were free. Instead… "

"Free? " Lantis didn't understand.

"Hikaru is _mine_, Lantis. She is my wife and the mother of my children." Eagle's tone was stern, now.

"I know it, Eagle" Lantis' voice was sad, tired "nobody knows it better than me." Now he understood. Free… from his love, from his obsession, ready to simply restart indeed as a friend. Why had Eagle to know him so well? Why had he to read the very core of his soul so easily?

"Yet, you… "

"Don't become angry, Eagle. I beg you. It is only that… I can't help myself. You love her, she loves you… and she will love you. Be happy for this. But don't ask me to stop loving her. Do you believe that I have not tried? To stop suffering? It is useless. I cannot, Eagle, I can't. I need her. I need her so much… " Lantis had tears in his eyes.

"You would have done better not to return".

"What I want is to see her, Eagle. To see her, to hear her voice, hear her laughter. Is it so wrong? She doesn't know, right? She doesn't even imagine it. And she won't imagine it… " Lantis' voice broke. As his heart had.

"She doesn't know" Eagle had been forced to admit. "And if indeed it was as you say…"

"But don't you realize that it can't ever be otherwise? Not because I am your friend, Eagle, not for this. But because she loves you" Lantis kept on saying it, his heart bleeding "if she understood, I would lose her."

"You love her too much, Lantis. I read it in your eyes. You frighten me, my friend."

"Frighten? "

"If Hikaru was free… "

"You… you think that I would hurt you. Don't be foolish, Eagle. Hikaru would indeed be lost forever, then."

"Only if she found it out." Always direct, Eagle.

"No… she would be lost because she can't live without you. As I can't live without her. Do you really not realize?"

"You shouldn't have come back" Eagle said again "here we are in Sephiro, do you remember? The heart determines everything… and yours is full of pain, Lantis. Of pain and shadows. Sooner or later you will contaminate all… you will put someone in danger. And I don't want you to involve my family. Go away, Lantis."

The other shook his head. "No… not this. Don't ask me this, Eagle. I can' do it. I have learned to restrain my heart, really. As much as it bleed… it won't be a risk for anybody, really. But don't tear us apart. I beg you, don't tear us apart. Is it so much what I ask? You have her heart, her body, her soul. I ask only for a smile, a look. Don't begrudge me these, my friend. Or… " Lantis stopped for a second, then he talked again "or take my life. Kill me, Eagle, put an end to all this. I will be thankful for it. Really. But don't ask me to give her up, now. Don't ask me to go again. Don't ask me… ".

Eagle gave him a long look. And then… "I can't kill you, Lantis. Even if perhaps I should . For my dear ones sake, perhaps I should. I will trust you, then. I will trust your heart, even if it is a mistake. Don't make me regret it." He turned his back on him and he was gone.

That odd way of life of his continued. He tried to withstand his need of her, but every now and then he came back to her. She kept on not knowing. Eagle on bearing with him. Until a night, Lantis woke up with a shiver.

There was a stranger in his room, shadow among the shadow… but was he a stranger? He tried to focus the tall, dark figure when it spoke. "We are in Sephiro, do you remember? Eagle was right."

Damnit Eagle, why did he have to _always_ be right? "This means that you… "

"It means that I am_ tired_, Lantis. Tired of you, of your silences, of yours suffocating me the whole time. I won't allow you to do so anymore."

"You are like Nova." What one tries to deny, in Sephiro, gain its own life. He should have remembered. He shouldn't have come back.

"Not exactly like her. Nova hated everything Hikaru loved. She wanted to kill her too. The only thing I want is for you to accept me, Lantis. For you to speak. For you… who knows… to give yourself the chance to be happy."

"Hikaru loves Eagle. If you are me, you should know it."

"Ah, but this can be fixed."

"No. It is not as you believe. She would suffer too much for it."

"While you don't suffer, instead, right? She doesn't _torture_ you, right? "

"She... doesn't know."

"Well, it is time for her to know! Let me act, Lantis. For once in your life, let me act. You won't regret it." The shadow was going away.

Lantis _couldn't _let it act. He stopped it. "You won't do _anything_! " he hissed.

"You still think to be able to stop me, Lantis…but you can't anymore. You can't _anymore_, did you understand me?"

He had to, instead, anyhow… and suddenly he was crossing a sword with himself. He couldn't let him go. The shadow laughed. "Do you still want to fight Lantis? You _always_ want to fight… but it is not with me that you have to get upset. Why don't you get upset with who stole from you the only person you love?"

"She loves him." The shadow hit him.

"It is a battle that you can't win, this with me, Lantis. Hikaru didn't win against Nova. Hikaru accepted Nova."

"I… can…not ." He couldn't accept it. He couldn't stop fighting it. Simply he couldn't.

"It is always the denied part the strongest, Lantis. Always."

"Not this time."

"I would say that you are overestimating yourself."

"I won't allow her to suffer. Ever."

"This means that if I didn't hurt her, you would let me go? "

"I don't trust you. You want… "

"I want what you want Lantis. I want _her_. And I am not willing to give her up anymore. I won't allow anybody to get in my way. Not you, and above all not Eagle. I will have her. And, you know, I believe that I won't even have to wait that much. Hikaru said that she would be stop by this morning, right? By now she must be about to show. Come on, Lantis… why don't we avail of this chance?"

Lantis suddenly heard footsteps in the hall. _Her _footsteps, he recognized them. He trembled, and realized that his opponent was right. The denied part is always the stronger one. And he couldn't fight this battle anymore. He couldn't go on denying, keeping silent. Not anymore.

The other sensed his weakness. "Well done, Lantis, well done… give up. Like this. It's a lost battle, I have always told you. Let me act. Let me take care of your poor heart. Take me back inside of you. Let me _speak_, for once."

He couldn't allow it. He had to win that battle… but he wasn't able. He wasn't able. He recalled Nova…Nova that he was always afraid to fight. Because it would have meant to hurt Hikaru. And he found the solution. "There is only a way for us to be able to become one again…″ he whispered.

Hikaru rushed in, without knocking. Smiling. And she was petrified. "Lantis! What happened? I…'m going to call Fuu. She… "

Lantis was bleeding. Not only inside, now. "No! I beg you, Hikaru… don't go… "

"You need a healer! " She had tears in her eyes.

"No… listen to me, Hikaru, I had to… "

"You? Did you get crazy? "

"Don't cry, I beg you, I didn't want to make you cry … but there was no other way… say to Eagle…that he was right… but he was right to trust me… "

"I don't understand… " she murmured . "Why, Lantis? Why?"

Suddenly she knew that why. She read it in his eyes. Those amethysts that were slowly extinguishing. She became breathless. "Lantis… you… "

He didn't let her continue. "Forgive me, Hikaru".

"Forgive you? "

"You…should never…have known… " Instead he betrayed himself. A look and he betrayed himself. "Forgive and forget."

To forget… how could he ask her? She stood looking at him, silent, with the all the pain in the world in her eyes. And in the end, with his last breath Lantis succeeded in telling those words… "My love."

1 This joke doesn't work as well in English, but a literal translation of the Italian term for it would be "the dark man". You can see why I could see Lantis as such…


End file.
